I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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