Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
