how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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