Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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