I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
