you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
