I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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