Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
