I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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