no, he came in my armpit
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The best revenge is premature balding
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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