Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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