after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
