I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
