The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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