the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
