I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
