did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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