Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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