Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
