No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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