i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The beers last night were like the tears from god
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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