I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
