Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
