I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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