dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
