I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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