I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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