matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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