there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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