This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
