Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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