Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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