No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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