New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
