you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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