I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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