oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
