I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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