Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
