That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
