New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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