I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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