my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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