Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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