K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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