I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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