I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
