I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
