Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
