i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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